I haven’t had much time to blog at all in the last couple months. It’s funny because I’m pretty sure all my posts have started out like this. I’ve been preoccupied with school, which is not a surprise, school is my life right now.
But for once, I have an hour to just chill and type about my life, what’s going on, what’s happening. I have a couple minutes to reflect, which is the original purpose of my blog. I wanted it to serve as the medium of which I reflect where I’m going with my life, or at least, where it’s going right now.
I guess first thing I’ll talk about is school. I mean, it’s what I’m doing now and for the moment. I’m constantly studying for my next exam or working on an assignment, or writing an essay. It’s stressful and scary. What gets me through the days I think is that I know I am trying my best. It’s all I can really do for myself and I’m happy with that. There are times where I look at my grades or activities, and ask myself where is this going to take me in the next 20 years. But really, I’m starting to care less abut my grades, and am focusing more on myself, my friends, and my family.
People are always saying that grades should come first before anything such as relationships or extra-curriculars. This is partially true, grades are important, but I think my relationships with others and activities in college have affected me so much more than any grade could have ever done for me. I’ve changed so much since high school, I’ve grown and learned so much in a way that studying has never prepared me for
UVA had its fall break recently, and to me it didn’t really seem like a break. I holed up in my room and constantly “tried” to study. I can never really get anything done at home though. I think my reason is that I see home as a safe house. It’s a place where I’m not supposed to do work and should be spending time with my family. I miss them, and do not keep in touch with them as much as I like. There are times where I feel myself getting distant with my family as I stay longer at UVA, but whenever I come home, I always feel loved, missed, and welcome. I guess another reason why I work so hard is for my parents. Succeeding in school is the only way I can think of to repay them for all the love and hard work they’ve invested in me. The last thing in the world I want to do is let them down, or even worse disappoint them.
Funny thing happened during break that I sneaked out of the house over the weekend (very epicly I might add) to go to a party at a lounge about 3 minutes from my house. Even though I was able to successfully sneak in and out from midnight till 3 am… I still had a very heavy feeling the next morning. I felt that I betrayed my parent’s trust and honestly, the party wasn’t worth it. I need to stop looking for what I want in life, and focus more on what I have now. I know it sounds bad but I feel like I’m living too much in the potential future, and not enough in the now. Carpe Diem.
Haha, I feel like I’m rambling but something really stuck in my mind about what my friend told me today during lunch. I told him about how I felt my grades were declining but at the same time, as something for me was going down, another was going up. He said simply that “God is fair.” I’ve never been religious and I can’t say I believe in God. But I do believe in a higher entity and in karma. I do believe in a universal balance and sometimes I lose sight of that. “Everything works out in the end” was a mantra I followed. Whether you’re happy with the end result or not, whatever happens, happens for the best. I need to remind myself of that.
This post is already super long but it’s been a while, but honestly this is the most personal post I’ve had in a while. Something I don’t really like about tumblr is that it really puts yourself out there, because a person you don’t know very well could be reading your posts and judging you. But honestly, I hope people read my posts and see that if they’re going through the same experiences as me, they can find some solace in that there are others struggling through life, trying to figure out what they’re doing. Tumblr isn’t really about blogging anymore, I notice a lot more images and videos than actual personal entries. Something I hope will not blow up too much over time.
But anyways, I digress. What do I think about my life right now? I’m trying my best and it’s working out for the best.
